Monkey Scientists Uncover Future Tragedy

A huge patch of coral reef has been located by a group of Israeli monkeys off the coast of Tel-Aviv. This is exciting to the moneky-scientists, as many are of the opinion that homosapiens are simply "running out of stuff to destroy." This swath of reef is just begging for destruction, and it's a good thing it was discovered before it could get any bigger. Coral has generally posed no threat to homosapiens throughout history, making it an ideal candidate for their wrath. It has taken down a ship or two, making its destruction that much easier to rationalize.

Scientists are said to be carrying out research to determine the most effective way to tarnish and destroy this fugitive natural beauty, and many experts are speculating that an oil spill is near the top of the list.

Monkeys Sick of Wolves Acting so Endangered All the Time

Billings, Montana - Senators from Montana, Wyoming, Idaho and Utah are fighting to have the Gray Wolf removed from the endangered species list- by any means necessary. In 1973 the US government added the Gray wolf to the list, and spent $500,000 to study the reintroduction of wolves into some of theWestern states. This was following their initiative to pay hunters to slaughter them enmasse througout the 20th century. So... First the US hates wolves and wants them eradicated, then they decide they've gone too far and declare them endangered... and now they want to reduce their numbers by force in the states they recently paid to have them reintroduced to... Sounds like monkey behavior to me!


If monkeys are anything, it's consistent... even if that consistency is in their inconsistency. The reason the senators from the above mentioned states want the wolves off the list is because they're hunting livestock and reducing the numbers of wild herd animals. So, basically it's like this: Humans hunt buffalo, bison and antelope to the verge of extinction, then decide they want to keep them around. And because herd animals are practically extinct, the wolves have nothing to eat and start hunting livestock... So the humans hunt wolves to the verge of extinction, then decide they want to keep them around... Then, because the wolves are acting well-within the realm of acceptable wolf behavior by hunting, they decide that they don't want them around, because there are too few herd animals to really sustain a decent wolf population, thanks to the homo-sapien's love of killing everything in sight.


The reasonable thing to do, in my opinion, is to forcibly remove large numbers of homo-sapiens from Western states and leave the land to the buffalo and wolves. Then, when the populations there have sufficiently recovered, we can come back and hunt them to the verge of extinction! And then blame them for it! Brilliant. Keep it up, monkeys.

U.S. Apologizes to Monkey Test Subjects (dig in, PETA!)

So apparently the United States intentionally infected over 600 homosapiens with syphilis in Guatemala in 1946, but before you get upset, let's consider how they infected them, and why.

First of all, they used prostitutes to spread the disease! So it's not that bad. I mean, at least the victims got to have some fun getting syphilis. Though not everyone involved was quite so lucky... 

"In addition to the penitentiary, the studies took place in an insane asylum and an army barracks," said Susan Reverby,  professor of women's studies at Wellesley College in Massachusetts. That must have been a blast for the hookers. Do you think the mental patients had to keep their straight-jackets on while... nevermind... 

 Okay, so good news: you get free sex! Bad news: You get syphilis...

The U.S. government has issued an official apology:

"The sexually transmitted disease inoculation study conducted from 1946-1948 in Guatemala was clearly unethical... Although these events occurred more than 64 years ago, we are outraged that such reprehensible research could have occurred under the guise of public health. We deeply regret that it happened, and we apologize to all the individuals who were affected by such abhorrent research practices" Secretary of State Hillary Clinton and Health and Human Services Secretary Kathleen Sebelius said in a statement.

So why did the government do these gentleman the favor of providing them with tainted escorts? So that they could test a cure! Isn't that something? So in the end, everyone infected with syphilis was offered a shot of penicillin. Free! I mean, it's a win/lose/win situation... You get free sex... then syphilis... then penicillin! No harm, no foul, right?

Monkey Scientists Calculate How Big The Ocean Is

May 19 - According to monkey scientists, the depth and volume of the world's oceans have finally been calculated. Their consesus:  The ocean is really fucking big.

Although most monkeys probably already had that one figured out, it couldn't hurt to spend hundreds of millions of monkey dollars on this, or to have hundreds of pages of ridiculous numbers, gathered over hundreds of monkey-hours, laying around collecting dust in the basement of some university somewhere. Perhaps I'm being cynical. It can't hurt to have precise figures on how quickly we're killing our planet. I mean, shit, our grandchildren need to be pissed off and informed, right?

Monkey intelligence hard at work. Good job, monkeys!

Some Monkeys Are So Gullible

Listen, my simian friends, I know conspiracy theories are a total faux-pas since Y2K never happened, but this whole Times Square Bomb Scare seems pretty fishy to me... I mean, what kind of a self-respecting terrorist would successfully drive a bomb into Times Square and then walk away from it? Really? Did he walk away to buy a hot-dog? Or maybe he saw Elijah Wood walking by and couldn't resist the photo-op. No, monkeys, this is a government scare tactic if I've ever seen one. Think about it.

Shrine of the Talking Monkey Honors Ukrainian Officials

After the Ukrainian Parliament approved an extension of the lease on a Russian Naval Base in Crimea, lawmakers in the parliament chamber promptly dispensed with trivialities and pretense and did the only rational thing they could: They hurled smoke bombs and eggs at the speaker.

The Shrine of the Talking Monkey would like to honor these brave individuals. Their act of heroism and courage represents a great deal more than the Ukrainian opposition's displeasure with another 25 years of Russian occupation: It shows that they are willing to put aside fear of judgment from the rest of the world, and stand up for what they believe in. And unlike those crazy Shiite Militia Monkeys in Iraq, they decided to use a non-violent form of civil disobedience. Hearkening back to their days in the Ukraine Intermediary School, these officials lashed out in true sophomoric fashion.

Unfortunately, the lame Ukrainian Secret Service Monkeys had egg-proof umbrellas on hand to protect the cowardly, non-practical-joke-brandishing speaker from any unsanitary and potentially suit-ruining harm. Regardless, when the smoke cleared in that chamber, the message was clear: The Ukrainian opposition will not stand idly by while their country is oppressed by foreign occupation. According to anonymous sources working for the Shrine, Ukrainian opposition leaders are currently stockpiling cherry bombs, whoopee cushions, bottle rockets, and those hand shaking buzzer thingies. Indeed, my friends, this is far from over.

Non-Monkey Coverage

The Twelve Steps of Monkey Recovery

1. We admitted that we were a bunch of talking monkeys--that our so-called "human" lives were entombed by a litany of pretentious rituals.

2.  Came to believe that a new and more humble outlook, coupled with a thorough re-education could restore us to sanity.

3. Made a decision to stop pretending to be anything other than a bunch of talking monkeys, and to turn our will and our lives over to The Shrine of the Talking Monkey

4. Made a searching and fearless inventory of ourselves.

5. Admitted to The Shrine of the Talking Monkey, to ourselves and to another monkey the exact nature of our wrongs. No pun intended.

6. Were entirely ready to stop acting like we're God's gift to the Earth.

7. Humbly asked The Shrine of the Talking Monkey to remove our so-called "human" characteristics.

8. Made a list of all the monkeys we had harmed, and became willing to make monkey amends to them all.

9. Made direct amends to such monkeys wherever possible, except when to do so would harm them or others.

10. Continued to take monkey inventory, and when we started thinking we were more than just a bunch of talking monkeys, promptly admitted it.

11. Sought through surfing the web and meditation to improve our conscious contact with The Shrine of the Talking Monkey, praying only for knowledge of the Shrine's will for us and the power to carry that out.

12. Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we tried to carry the monkey message to other monkeys who are confused about their true nature, and to practice these monkey principles in all our affairs.