Monkey Scientists Uncover Future Tragedy

A huge patch of coral reef has been located by a group of Israeli monkeys off the coast of Tel-Aviv. This is exciting to the moneky-scientists, as many are of the opinion that homosapiens are simply "running out of stuff to destroy." This swath of reef is just begging for destruction, and it's a good thing it was discovered before it could get any bigger. Coral has generally posed no threat to homosapiens throughout history, making it an ideal candidate for their wrath. It has taken down a ship or two, making its destruction that much easier to rationalize.

Scientists are said to be carrying out research to determine the most effective way to tarnish and destroy this fugitive natural beauty, and many experts are speculating that an oil spill is near the top of the list.

Monkeys Sick of Wolves Acting so Endangered All the Time

Billings, Montana - Senators from Montana, Wyoming, Idaho and Utah are fighting to have the Gray Wolf removed from the endangered species list- by any means necessary. In 1973 the US government added the Gray wolf to the list, and spent $500,000 to study the reintroduction of wolves into some of theWestern states. This was following their initiative to pay hunters to slaughter them enmasse througout the 20th century. So... First the US hates wolves and wants them eradicated, then they decide they've gone too far and declare them endangered... and now they want to reduce their numbers by force in the states they recently paid to have them reintroduced to... Sounds like monkey behavior to me!


If monkeys are anything, it's consistent... even if that consistency is in their inconsistency. The reason the senators from the above mentioned states want the wolves off the list is because they're hunting livestock and reducing the numbers of wild herd animals. So, basically it's like this: Humans hunt buffalo, bison and antelope to the verge of extinction, then decide they want to keep them around. And because herd animals are practically extinct, the wolves have nothing to eat and start hunting livestock... So the humans hunt wolves to the verge of extinction, then decide they want to keep them around... Then, because the wolves are acting well-within the realm of acceptable wolf behavior by hunting, they decide that they don't want them around, because there are too few herd animals to really sustain a decent wolf population, thanks to the homo-sapien's love of killing everything in sight.


The reasonable thing to do, in my opinion, is to forcibly remove large numbers of homo-sapiens from Western states and leave the land to the buffalo and wolves. Then, when the populations there have sufficiently recovered, we can come back and hunt them to the verge of extinction! And then blame them for it! Brilliant. Keep it up, monkeys.

U.S. Apologizes to Monkey Test Subjects (dig in, PETA!)

So apparently the United States intentionally infected over 600 homosapiens with syphilis in Guatemala in 1946, but before you get upset, let's consider how they infected them, and why.

First of all, they used prostitutes to spread the disease! So it's not that bad. I mean, at least the victims got to have some fun getting syphilis. Though not everyone involved was quite so lucky... 

"In addition to the penitentiary, the studies took place in an insane asylum and an army barracks," said Susan Reverby,  professor of women's studies at Wellesley College in Massachusetts. That must have been a blast for the hookers. Do you think the mental patients had to keep their straight-jackets on while... nevermind... 

 Okay, so good news: you get free sex! Bad news: You get syphilis...

The U.S. government has issued an official apology:

"The sexually transmitted disease inoculation study conducted from 1946-1948 in Guatemala was clearly unethical... Although these events occurred more than 64 years ago, we are outraged that such reprehensible research could have occurred under the guise of public health. We deeply regret that it happened, and we apologize to all the individuals who were affected by such abhorrent research practices" Secretary of State Hillary Clinton and Health and Human Services Secretary Kathleen Sebelius said in a statement.

So why did the government do these gentleman the favor of providing them with tainted escorts? So that they could test a cure! Isn't that something? So in the end, everyone infected with syphilis was offered a shot of penicillin. Free! I mean, it's a win/lose/win situation... You get free sex... then syphilis... then penicillin! No harm, no foul, right?