Monkey Scientists Calculate How Big The Ocean Is

May 19 - According to monkey scientists, the depth and volume of the world's oceans have finally been calculated. Their consesus:  The ocean is really fucking big.

Although most monkeys probably already had that one figured out, it couldn't hurt to spend hundreds of millions of monkey dollars on this, or to have hundreds of pages of ridiculous numbers, gathered over hundreds of monkey-hours, laying around collecting dust in the basement of some university somewhere. Perhaps I'm being cynical. It can't hurt to have precise figures on how quickly we're killing our planet. I mean, shit, our grandchildren need to be pissed off and informed, right?

Monkey intelligence hard at work. Good job, monkeys!

Some Monkeys Are So Gullible

Listen, my simian friends, I know conspiracy theories are a total faux-pas since Y2K never happened, but this whole Times Square Bomb Scare seems pretty fishy to me... I mean, what kind of a self-respecting terrorist would successfully drive a bomb into Times Square and then walk away from it? Really? Did he walk away to buy a hot-dog? Or maybe he saw Elijah Wood walking by and couldn't resist the photo-op. No, monkeys, this is a government scare tactic if I've ever seen one. Think about it.