Shrine of the Talking Monkey Honors Ukrainian Officials

After the Ukrainian Parliament approved an extension of the lease on a Russian Naval Base in Crimea, lawmakers in the parliament chamber promptly dispensed with trivialities and pretense and did the only rational thing they could: They hurled smoke bombs and eggs at the speaker.

The Shrine of the Talking Monkey would like to honor these brave individuals. Their act of heroism and courage represents a great deal more than the Ukrainian opposition's displeasure with another 25 years of Russian occupation: It shows that they are willing to put aside fear of judgment from the rest of the world, and stand up for what they believe in. And unlike those crazy Shiite Militia Monkeys in Iraq, they decided to use a non-violent form of civil disobedience. Hearkening back to their days in the Ukraine Intermediary School, these officials lashed out in true sophomoric fashion.

Unfortunately, the lame Ukrainian Secret Service Monkeys had egg-proof umbrellas on hand to protect the cowardly, non-practical-joke-brandishing speaker from any unsanitary and potentially suit-ruining harm. Regardless, when the smoke cleared in that chamber, the message was clear: The Ukrainian opposition will not stand idly by while their country is oppressed by foreign occupation. According to anonymous sources working for the Shrine, Ukrainian opposition leaders are currently stockpiling cherry bombs, whoopee cushions, bottle rockets, and those hand shaking buzzer thingies. Indeed, my friends, this is far from over.

Non-Monkey Coverage

The Twelve Steps of Monkey Recovery

1. We admitted that we were a bunch of talking monkeys--that our so-called "human" lives were entombed by a litany of pretentious rituals.

2.  Came to believe that a new and more humble outlook, coupled with a thorough re-education could restore us to sanity.

3. Made a decision to stop pretending to be anything other than a bunch of talking monkeys, and to turn our will and our lives over to The Shrine of the Talking Monkey

4. Made a searching and fearless inventory of ourselves.

5. Admitted to The Shrine of the Talking Monkey, to ourselves and to another monkey the exact nature of our wrongs. No pun intended.

6. Were entirely ready to stop acting like we're God's gift to the Earth.

7. Humbly asked The Shrine of the Talking Monkey to remove our so-called "human" characteristics.

8. Made a list of all the monkeys we had harmed, and became willing to make monkey amends to them all.

9. Made direct amends to such monkeys wherever possible, except when to do so would harm them or others.

10. Continued to take monkey inventory, and when we started thinking we were more than just a bunch of talking monkeys, promptly admitted it.

11. Sought through surfing the web and meditation to improve our conscious contact with The Shrine of the Talking Monkey, praying only for knowledge of the Shrine's will for us and the power to carry that out.

12. Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we tried to carry the monkey message to other monkeys who are confused about their true nature, and to practice these monkey principles in all our affairs.